The Readers of the Lost Ark

Readers' Panel Report. 1.

Small Finds

A murder mystery with time travel. 
An archaeological dig, a modern community and an untold story.

A short something to read: a 500 word extract from the novel prepared for the Writing Festival in York.

A collation of all the comments.

Firstly, the pacing is nice and high-octane, and you set the scene very well.  Easy to picture.
Also like the suspense - makes me want to read on to find out what's going to happen!
There are a couple of bits that to me could be clearer.  Firstly, this bit:
“Four hundred yards ... right ... then water,” she said.
“Interesting,” said Harrison Jones.
They swung right and the vehicle ahead turned left.
I'm not sure how 'she' knows to turn right when Harrison doesn't, and the car ahead turning left seems to suggest they are going the wrong way?
The other bit is that there are three points which I think are the inner monologue of the girl:
Great!
She was going to die. Mum would murder her.
What the hell did he think she was doing?
The last of these in particular I had to read a couple of times to work out that this was the case.  Perhaps italicising these bits so that they stand out separately will make it clearer that it's not part of the general narrative?
From a 'flowing' perspective I think it's all great, with the exception of this passage:
They skimmed between buildings - sheds of some kind – with water close by. They
burst onto a road. Tyres squealed on tarmac. The other car swerved and disappeared
between high hedges. Harrison Jones followed and they were met with a blaze of
white and flashing blue light.
Using 'Harrison Jones followed' (i.e. the full name) seems a little awkward in this paragraph.  Perhaps 'Jones followed and...', although this depends on how you've referred to him throughout the book I guess.
And that brings me on to the biggy...
Feel free to disregard this (in fact, feel free to disregard all of it, as it's just my tuppence worth!), but I'm not sure about the Harrison Jones name as the main character.  I can see what you're doing, and it does immediately put me in the picture as to what the rest of the book is going to be like (if my suspicions are correct, of course).  However, it might be seen as being a bit 'obvious'.  My concern is that it perhaps positions the book as a piece of fan fiction, with the names changed to avoid copyright issues, whereas you probably want the book to stand on its own merits.

I think it’s great – very gripping, fast paced and engaging. I think the way it’s written: short lines, snaps of dialogue etc, contributes really well to that.

 My only other comment as far as substance goes is about the line just on the top of page 2 – after ““Swim!” he said” – where the narrative then says “Great!” as one line.  I don’t know if my comment will make any sense…. and I contradict myself in a minute, but…

I just wondered that since other sensory narratives are given an owner in the third person, – “she heard an outboard motor” etc – this emotion is left hanging without an owner?  This probably isn’t an issue, but this was the only thought I had!  I wondered if you could add “she thought” after it, or to run this sentence straight into the next sentence, “She splashed..”, so that the emotion is joined up to her actions, and gives it ownership that way?

But, just to contradict my own comment in the same breath, I think the “Answered prayer.” Sentence works without any more ownership because it follows the line “She wished it would stop..” so fits with that to me! 

genuinely liked the full use of protagonists name for use of excerpt. Creates intrigue around the character. I thought it worked well for the purposes of an excerpt. You need to be able to demonstrate as many features of the book as possible in a short space and that does give an insight to the character which may be lost if you remove it.

End of comments relating to A short something to read