Dance. Don't walk: Structural Priming

Fascinating article from The New York Times by Michael Erard:

Escaping One’s Own Shadow

... your dancing will always resemble your walking, because your brain’s activity in one part of the day shapes it in another, especially when it comes to creating sentences. This is a real phenomenon, described by psycholinguists, who call it “structural priming” ... Basically, earlier patterns in what you say or read or write “prime” you to repeat them when you’re acting automatically...

Patterns repeat themselves and you have to work hard to break the patterns that dominate in your writing.

Read the article: Escaping One’s Own Shadow

Thanks to Andrew Wille for flagging the article up on Twitter:

Andrew Wille ‏@andrewwille

Draft: Escaping One's Own Shadow: how 'structural priming' affects what you write http://nyti.ms/SnuftE

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Armed with pens: introduction to structural editing

An expert’s introduction to structural editing.

A brilliant blog-post from Armed with Pens.

This is definitely worth reading. 

It shows understanding and good sense in equal measure.

In summary:

It is the hardest thing to edit your own work effectively. Emotional investment trumps intellectual engagement every time. 

• Do we need that Prologue?
• Go through every chapter, every scene. Can it start later; finish earlier?
• If a scene does not advance the story of a novel, it should be cut.
• Sometimes it is possible to remove one, or two characters.
• Tighten the story and keep the reader’s attention.

And there's more. Lots more. 
Read it for yourself, note and inwardly whatever ... you need this deep within your own psyche. 

But, in the end, obviously, you can't beat a good editor like Steve Haynes!

• Twitter: @ProximaBooks
• Facebook: Proxima Books

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Putting the story into the Fairy Story

I've found a great way to look into the story (aka the novel) I'm writing. It's liberating. I put one of my characters into a children's story. It was amazing. Suddenly, it all fell into place. Of course, I'll have to translate it back into the 'real world'. But that should be interesting too. 
I started with one sentence and the beginning of the next:

Broderick climbed the beanstalk to the very top. At the top he found ...

... another country.

Whose country was it?

He didn’t know.

He looked around for someone to ask.

The first person to come along was a troll.

Broderick asked the troll: “Whose country is this? If you would be so kind. Please.”

The troll replied: “Giant Domino.”

“And who is Giant Domino,” Broderick asked politely. “Is he a kind man?”

“Kind?! Giant Domino?” the troll said. “He’d as soon eat you as look at you.” “He’s a giant, not a man,” said the troll after some reflection.

“What can I do?” asked Broderick; “If I should meet with this Giant?”

“Run!” said the troll. “Run as fast as you can!”

This was bad news for Broderick, because he had taken a liking to the country and had thought he might stay there for a while. But how could he stay if it was ruled by a big, unfriendly Giant? It was a problem.

The next person to come along was a young girl on a bike.

“Hello,” she said. “Who are you?”

“My name is Broderick,” he said. “And I’m looking for somewhere to stay.”“Or, at least, a place where I could get a cup of tea,” he added hopefully.

“That’s easy,” she said. “Follow me.”

She set off, pushing her bike and, after a moment’s thought, he followed her ... down the lane and round the corner. She didn’t look like a Giant and he hoped she wasn’t. At the end of the lane they came to a house. The house had a name. The name on the wall said Jubilee Villa.

“This is Bottom End,” the girl said.

Broderick looked at the house and thought: If this is Bottom End, then the only way is up. How wrong could he be?

“It’s where I live,” the girl said. “You must speak to my Dad. He’ll know what to do.”

And, indeed, he did.

“I know the folks here abouts,” the girl’s father said. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Broderick wanted to know if he could find a patch of land on which to build a house and the girl's father said that he would help.

“But what about the Giant?” Broderick asked.

“Which Giant?” the girl’s father asked. “There are so many.”

“I met a troll,” Broderick said, “and he told me to beware of Giant Domino.”

“Domino?” said the girl’s father. “What is Domino up to?”

Giant Domino, it turned out, was a relative newcomer to the district. He had been there for twenty-four years and was still considered a stranger; him, his family and all their funny goings on.

“That sounds bad,” said the girl’s father. “I’ll have to see what I can do.”

He knew what he would do. He went first to Farmer Giles and told him how Broderick wanted to build a home.

“He only wants a patch of land,” he said. “To build a little house.”

“No problem,” said Farmer Giles. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“And have you by any chance heard any news of Giant Domino?” the girl’s father asked.

“No. Why? What’s he up to? Nothing would surprise me where Giant Domino's concerned.”

“That’s what I thought,” said the girl’s father. “I’d better see what I can do.”

And he did. The girl’s father, whose name was Robin, set off in search of Giant Domino or, if not exactly in search of Giant Domino himself, in search of someone somewhere who knew something somehow, anything in fact, because not many people know anything very much about anything at all, as a general rule – about Giant Domino, while Farmer Giles went off to see about a patch of land.

Meanwhile Broderick had his cup of tea. And a ginger biscuit.

“Where do you come from?” the girl, Robin’s daughter, asked him.

“The Universe,” he said.

“Is it nice?” she asked.

“Yes. Usually.”

“Which means it isn’t,” she said. “Now.”

She was clearly a perceptive child.

“No. Not now,” he said.

“What seems to be the trouble?” the girl asked.

She was obviously a natural counsellor too, this one, in no mistake.

“Oh, this and that,” he said. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” she said.

The patch of land was secured. Broderick built his house. And then the trouble started.

Giant Domino came calling. Or, rather, he sent in the trolls.

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Excavating a Roman Floor | Time-lapse

This is a great little video. I love it.

Excavating a Roman Floor | Walbrook Discovery Programme

From the web page:

In a series of videos we recorded the whole process of uncovering, recording and lifting a Roman tessalated floor!  The first video follows our archaeologists (and our friendly McGee site laborours [sic]) uncovering the tessalated floor by removing the trampled material that lay on top. 

The only comment I would make is that it would be even better if the text was under the picture instead of on the picture. It's very distracting. But .. great idea. Do more! 

About the Walbrook Discovery Programme: web page
About Museum of London Archaeology (MOLA): website

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Plot, story and episodes

This is a very good blog! Excellent. Read it.

The biggest problem facing the beginning novelist

Blog post: Anne R. Allen

From the blog: 

E.M. Forster illustrated this in one of his famous lectures on novel-writing:  

• "'The king died and then the queen died' is a story.  
• 'The king died, and then queen died of grief' is a plot."

Anne R. Allen gives six suggestions to help you get the plot. 
Read it. 
Read the whole blog post. 
Finally, she says:

Ask yourself these questions: 

• Could you remove a scene or two and still have the same story outcome? 
• Does the plot build from one inciting incident to an inevitable climax? 
• Do you have both a protagonist and an antagonist? 
• Does the protagonist have a goal that isn't achieved until the end?
• Does your book have three well-defined acts? 

She gives a link to a graphic on the 3-act structure - from Syd Field, author of Screenplay and The Screen Writer's Workbook - as shown on the website of College of DuPage, Glen Ellyn IL, west of Chicago. 

Thank you, Anne. Very helpful.

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Build a career as a writer – podcast

This is the link to Nicola Morgan's blogpost which has the link to the full podcast of the Write Lines conversation between Nicola, Sue Cook, Sue Moorcroft and Julie Cohen. 
Nicola says,

Settle down with a cup of coffee while we talk you through aspects of trying to make a career as a writer:

Build a career as a writer – with Sue Cook, Sue Moorcroft and Julie Cohen

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Characters We Love to Write (And Read!)

A blogpost from the Adventures in YA and Children's Writing blog.

We don't fall in love with plots... Our brains are hardwired to relate to people, so for most readers, it's really all about the characters.

Characters We Love to Write (And Read!)

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When do you stop revising?

From Emma Darwin's blog:

With anything the size of a novel you could always change bits, and yet in the end you do have to stop.

This Itch of Writing: When do you stop revising?

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How to write a book in 30 days | Books | The Guardian

How to write a book in 30 days | Books | The Guardian

Six stages for your first draft.

Here is a selection from the Tweet stream from Tim Lott's live webchat on 26/10/2012:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/booksblog/2012/oct/24/live-webchat-time-lott-writing-advice … 

• Book publication has very little to do with networking. At the best, it can get you a reading from someone who matters. 
• I used to use index cards to organise characters/scenes, but now I log them in files on my computer... 
• ... for character, make a computer file and open a section for each of your characters, writing down their habits/verbal tics

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Poem: It is a golden morning

Today deserves a poem.

It's a golden morning
And light through leaves
Patches the road
With sun.

I'm going to the dump
With builders' bags 
Full of dead leaves and sticks
Pruned from the bushes in our garden.

Not by me, I hasten to add.
My wife does the pruning
And the gathering of leaves.
I do the dump.

It is a golden morning
And the rays of sunlight filtering through the leaves
Of the lime trees at Lovesgrove
Patch the road with sun.

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Today's job

Today's job is to write a short story.

I can't do it. I can't. I can't. *kicks and screams* - as they say on Twitter.
Look. It's easy. Beginning. Middle. End. (Twist optional. Shout essential.)
OK. OK. But I'm the guy who woke up thinking it was Saturday and then discovered it was Wednesday when the dustcart drove past my window. 
Too late. Too late.

There. I've done it.
What?
Written a short story.
(Silence and more silence.)
Well, he said, a tad defensively. It's short.
ADVERB ALERT! ADVERBALERT! ADVERBLERT! ADLERT! ADERT! DERT! ERT! T!

Look, the sun's come out. 
Golden.

Ends 

(in case you're wondering)

Bewitched, boggled and... now what?

From Emma Darwin's blog This Itch of Writing:

Bewitched, boggled and... now what?

Emma begins:

I suspect that for every writer at York who was radically re-structuring their novel before they even got to the station, there's another who left York feeling decidedly boggled.

And she continues with the wise and, at the moment, for me, much needed advice

I'd suggest that you give yourself a break. Don't rush to try to Do Things with your work ... don't let the IC [Inner Critic] impose euthanasia on the WIP [Work in Progress?]. Even if you feel that it's a fairly clear decision between Give Up or Major Surgery ...

... paint something (a picture, or a wall), make bread, go for walks with a friend who knows nothing and cares less about writing

I'm off to make a coffee. It's a start.

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Jon Spira: Write On

Jon Spira writes about writing in the Huffington Post UK Entertainment. 
And about the York weekend.

Write On

... the only two things you need to write a screenplay - a point to make and an understanding of the 3-act structure ... [and] years and years of work.

It's a calling.

Part of my work in screenwriting education is providing weighty screenplay critiques for a company called Writers' Workshop. They provide many services for aspiring writers and screenwriters, including script critiques, script editing and providing links into the industry for those of a decent standard. Last weekend, WW hosted its annual Festival of Writing weekend at York University. They hired me to film it.

If there was one ethos bouncing about the entire weekend through workshops, keynote speeches and debates it was that there was no easy ride and that nothing could replace hard work, honesty, integrity and intelligence.

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Emma Darwin on Psychic Distance

From Emma Darwin's blog This Itch of Writing:

Psychic Distance: what it is and how to use it

Essential reading.

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Serious Poetry

A breakthrough at last.
I have been struggling through the pages of this book. It has been like swimming across a pool (for me), breast stroke, always on the edge of drowning. It is, after all, called Serious Poetry.

Serious Poetry: form and authority from Yeats to Hill. Peter McDonald. Clarendon Press, Oxford. 2002.

oup - carcanet

The first chapters on YB Yeats were tough going. I found myself wading through bucket loads of remorse and form that seemed both remorseless and formless but then, on page ninety-four, I was thrown a lifeline in the form of Geoffrey Hill. Here was someone whose sensibility I could, for all that it was impenetrable, understand. Perhaps the clays of the English Midlands were (are?) more congenial to me than the peatlands of the Celtic imagination although I of all people should be attuned to both, living, as I do, English in the Celtic west.

But I correct myself. I have no trouble with RS Thomas. Admittedly, RS Thomas is conflicted between his welshness and his englishness but so is WB Yeats, between Irish and English. I don't warm to Yeats, the man or the poet. It is something I have still to learn. I have only recently come to appreciate Philip Larkin. There are flashes of brilliance, of course - Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold - Down by the sally gardens - and they secure him his place in the pantheon.

Geoffrey Hill is another matter. How sensible his stance. (Chapter 4. Three Critics: TS Eliot, Seamus Heaney, Geoffrey Hill.) His defence of poetry is solid.

My faith in poets and humanity restored, I moved on eagerly to another epiphany. The book came alive in the next chapter as Peter McDonald tangled with WH Auden and TS Eliot, by way of Prospero and in counterpoint to Matthew Arnold. This chapter - Chapter 5. One of Us: Eliot, Auden and Four Quartets - is brilliant. It lights up and it makes sense. Here, Yeatsian remorse becomes, in TS Eliot, humility. 
I found the discussion at every turn illuminating.

There's no denying that this book is a tough read but it is worth persisting. 
There's gold at the end of the rainbow, if that's not too Celtic a proposition.

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The York Festival of Writing

The Writers' Workshop York Festival of Writing

Two things stand out.
They are not the only two things, there are plenty more, but these are two things I know I learnt something about over the weekend at York.

• The literary novel
• The closeness and distance of point of view

The literary novel

I have been suffering from genre confusion and it shows. I could not get my head around what made a literary novel literary. Two sessions helped to clear my confusion. The first was Alan Mahar, the Publishing Director at Tindal Street Press, an independent publisher of regional literary fiction based in Birmingham. Here's an snatch from their website which tells us something about who they are:

Tindal Street Press has always aimed high with its distinctive, regional, literary fiction

Alan's session on Saturday morning was entitled 'How to win a Costa Prize'. Who could resist that? The reason for the title, it turned out, was that two of the authors published by Tindal Street Press have won the Costa First Novel Award

• Beauty by Raphael Selbourne, 2009 amazon, tindal street, review, review
• What Was Lost by Catherine O’Flynn, 2008 amazon, tindal street, review

Alan attempted to define literary fiction as having some degree of nuanced awareness of language, something original in the storytelling, something new, edge, surprise.
Later that same morning, I was at the Genre Panel on Literary Fiction and so was Alan Mahar. He was on the panel along with Sam Mills, Shelley Harris, Sam Copeland, Charlie Brotherstone and Susan Armstrong.
The defining characteristics of literary fiction were thought to be:

not commercial, not genre
style over plot
resolution of conflict not obvious
 
beautiful sentences
love of language
something you want to read again

voice
complexity and challenge
challenging what fiction can do

the writing is king (not plot)
good prose, simple prose
not showy or self-conscious

So, there you have it. That's what literary fiction is all about. 

Closeness and distance in point of view

This was Debi Alper in her Prose Workshop on Sunday afternoon. 
It was only a passing comment.
If you are aware of, and using effectively, psychic or narrative distance you won't need to use italics and the present tense to indicate to the reader what one of the characters is thinking. 
Italics. Warning Bells.
That's all I have in my notes but the warning bells had started ringing in my head and red lights were flashing. I had exactly this problem only a few weeks before. Two readers on my readers' panel picked it up. See previous post The Readers of the Lost Ark. They commented:

... there are three points which I think are the inner monologue of the girl:
Great!
She was going to die. Mum would murder her.
What the hell did he think she was doing?
The last of these in particular I had to read a couple of times to work out that this was the case.  Perhaps italicising these bits so that they stand out separately will make it clearer that it's not part of the general narrative?

 My only other comment as far as substance goes is about the line just on the top of page 2 – after ““Swim!” he said” – where the narrative then says “Great!” as one line.  I don’t know if my comment will make any sense…. and I contradict myself in a minute, but…

I just wondered that since other sensory narratives are given an owner in the third person, – “she heard an outboard motor” etc – this emotion is left hanging without an owner?  This probably isn’t an issue, but this was the only thought I had!  I wondered if you could add “she thought” after it, or to run this sentence straight into the next sentence, “She splashed..”, so that the emotion is joined up to her actions, and gives it ownership that way?

But, just to contradict my own comment in the same breath, I think the “Answered prayer.” Sentence works without any more ownership because it follows the line “She wished it would stop..” so fits with that to me! 

 I.e. it wasn't clear. It wasn't working and this was why. You can gradate your narrative distance, Debi said, so that the reader is always aware of what is happening, who is speaking and thinking. Distant, closer, close, very close, right inside their head - it is possible to do this without resorting to italics. This, I needed to know.

Unfortunately, I had not gone to Debi's workshop on Psychic Distance and in retrospect that seems like a shame. But you can't win 'em all and it is something I shall have to catch up with and practise myself so that I learn to handle point of view properly before the next time comes around. The next York Festival of Writing, that is. Because I'm going to need to be there.

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What if? - a writer's ramble

It's the question everybody's asking. Or, it's a question everybody is supposed to be asking. 
What if?
I'm a scientist. (Trust me.) I always loved the facility in Microsoft Excel that allowed you to query your data. What if? You could create charts that would show what would happen if you tweaked this factor or that factor. Brilliant! It was a wonderful way of conceptually modelling the problem.
None of the foregoing should be taken to suggest that I loved Microsoft at any stage of my career. It was the ability to ask the question and see possible outcomes that I found fascinating. OK. Some credit should go to the guy or guyess within the leviathan Microsoft for thinking of and providing the facility but, moving on, it is the question that is important. It unlocks possibilities.
Now, I was never a very good scientist. I could always see too many possibilities and I could never concentrate on one for sufficiently long to produce a respectable scientific result. 
I have the same problem as a writer. 
Too many ideas. 
I don't have to ask the question. Answers bubble up in my brain whether I ask for them or not. Consequently, my characters and plot race off wildly in all directions, careless of structure and concept. What I need is not the question but focus. I need discipline.
Tough one.
Writing, for me, is about freedom.
But then, there is that other lesson I learnt, or at least recognised, a long time ago, in the middle of a field one fine February morning digging a hole in the soil in order to find the answer. There can be no freedom without structure, no liberty without law. They coexist. If we want freedom we must accept the constraints within which freedom exists. 
Life is chaos within bounds.
Ask the question. Let the answers bubble up. Direct the flow into channels that irrigate the row you're hoeing. Watch the crop grow. Allow the excess to drain away ... or use it for something, like driving the ideas mill to grind your crop to flour. Harvest the fruit or the root or which ever part it is that equates with the concept you are pursuing. (See previous post.) 
Write, write and write again.

 What if?
A tough question but necessary.

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Concept Begins from Line One

The plot and the 'so what?'

John Irving said:

"Whenever possible, tell the whole story of the novel in the first sentence."

 Concept Begins from Line One -- Or What's the Point?

Martina Boone writes about concept in the Adventures in YA & Children's Publishing blog

The first line should not only make you want to read more, but ... it should also tell you something about the type of book you are going to read

[The concept is best] expressed as a 'what if?' question. The answer leads to further 'what if?' questions ... and [out of all] those choices and answers comes your story.

The End

Julia Churchill's observations

Some useful tips from the Twitter stream:

• Passive constructions
• Show, don't tell

 Follow Julia on Twitter for more: @JuliaChurchill

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Emma Darwin's recommendations

A list of the blog posts Emma Darwin mentioned at York 2012. 

This blog post is packed with resources.

This Itch of Writing

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Small Finds - two novels and a headache

The Writers' Workshop, York Festival of Writing 2012. webpage

Of course, I was absurdly over-optimistic.
I knew, deep down. 
It was a flicker on the gauges. Nothing more. It caught at the corner of my eye but I had other things to do.

Then the cracks began to appear and were politely pointed out.

At the York Festival of Writing, this is the process known as the "one-to-ones". The Bookdoc or Agent (prestigious people all) have a couple of weeks to take a look at the chapter you submitted a month or two before; the first chapter of your book. Then, at the Festival, you have ten minutes to defend it - i.e. to receive their response face to face. The Bookdoc also gave me a feedback form, a summary of the response, to take away with me and ... well, read at my leisure.

This is when you need to take a step back.
Objective distance is necessary but, on the York University campus, this means standing not too close to the edge of the lake.

Such books now seem to need some really strong or distinctive edge

OK. I can live with that. 
But ...

I did wonder if the archaeology would be more of a setting

Me too. It was only the first chapter. 
But, even more to the point ...

It feels as if we have two stories ... that might need working out a little.

Ah. Now we're getting somewhere. Gauges flicker.

Later.
One Agent, on Saturday, said: "Where's the archaeology?"
The other Agent, on Sunday, said: "Where's the crime?"
Harry Bingham said: The Art of the Pause.
It was interesting.

The Sunday one-to-one fell in the middle of Harry Bingham's workshop The Art of the Pause in which Harry invited us to consider the last three paragraphs of the first chapter of the book The City & The City by China Mieville. This was interesting in itself because my Saturday Agent had suggested that I might want to read this book. That's the sort of coincidence I notice. The gauges were flickering.
Returning to Harry's workshop after twenty five minutes, I remembered how Harry had said that China Mieville set up 'The Pause' with one enigmatic sentence:

With a hard start, I realised that she was not on GunterStrasz at all, and that I should not have seen her.

This, apparently (I must read the book), is never explained. The technique, Harry said, was to set up the pause and then do nothing. Never explain.

Where's the archaeology?
Where's the crime?
Come on, Gentlemen. That's the tease. That's the pause.

Foolish optimism was returning. I knew what I was doing. No, I didn't, but I saw there was the possibility that I might, eventually. 
The gauges were flickering. 

All was not well - I might have to break it up, rewrite it, re imagine it, them, however many there might turn out to be (the novels were breeding like mice in my imagination) - but that was alright. I could do it. Just think. I could have a cheap and cheerful police procedural self-published with Amazon for Kindle and a literary novel provoking questions like "Where's the archaeology?" or "Where's the crime?"
Quids in. Hey! Or, as they say, the pennies.

I must go and take a proper long look at those gauges.

Debi Alper - website

Debi Alper

Debi's News

Debi's News 
Debi Alper blog with writing and related news.

Debi Alper: York Talk 1

Debi Alper: York Talk 1: What a day!  It hasn't been without challenges ... Rushing to catch my train at Kings Cross, I wondered why my foot was wet.  Had I stepped ...

Small Finds - a novel

A modern, murder mystery mixed up with archaeology, economics and religion. (That's murder, archaeology, religion and economics: m a r e, as in nightmare.) A well-written, thoughtful story with off-beat characters, emotional depth and a compelling voice.

When there is a murder in Ancester, Detective Sergeant Marco de Luca relies on local knowledge to track down the killer but he is not the only one chasing criminals. An archaeology professor is out to stop heritage crime and a break-in and robbery at a local dig give him more clues to follow up. The dig, and a subsequent dig nearby, yield clues of a different kind. The archaeologists and their volunteer helpers gradual put together a story from the beginning of the fifth century that is not dissimilar to their own; a story of crisis and disaster, alienation and belonging. 

This is what I'm working on at the moment. 
Version 3.5 is currently going out to a Readers' Panel for critical review.
See other posts in this blog.

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Small Finds Readers' panel: Chapter Two/Three

Comments on Chapter 2/3.

Mostly liked it but there was a bit that I struggled to digest which I fear may be important later on! It is the historical section at the bottom of page 13 and top of page 14 which I found hard to follow. If it is important to understand this bit I think it would be helpful to use more of the chapter to explain it. I thought it may help to make the conversation less broken up, allowing one character to explain it from start to finish as there is a lot of information and I'm not sure it has a logical enough flow to the uninitiated! Or if that feels artificial then maybe some of it could be explained in a different prose device such as 'x had been particularly fascinated by y since they first learnt about it because..' In that instance some of the other descriptive bits that are less important to the story could be shortened to avoid the chapter becoming too long.

Otherwise if it isn't important to understand all of that then perhaps that part could just be stripped back a bit.

I liked the idea of two shorter chapters rather than one.

I think it's really great. It's setting the scene nicely and introducing the characters well to my mind.

I just had a couple of thoughts you might want to know:

 On page 8, the start of the chapter, I wondered whether to open with the second paragraph where Marco is thinking about food, so his thought chain (and the reader's attention) doesn't jump from bodies to food and back again in the first three paras. Perhaps 'On Friday evening as he was driving home-into para 2' then into the rest of para 1, and into 3 and on.  Then page 12, the section where Joshua is walking home and thinking back. I got myself a little muddled and wondered if using all ?past perfect? tense for the minibus flash back would avoid this to distinguish from the past present narrative? some paras have it already but some of the early ones don't which confused me a bit E.g. They Had gathered around the open doors of the minibus... Then on page 13 i like the use of it, but maybe for the first use of 'Oliver man' you could use 'The Oliver man' like elsewhere, so it reads as intentional use. 

I also think a break for a new chapter would fit well, although as it's all from the same time of day I can see why it might be all one chapter, perhaps with a few ****** as a line break?

I liked this chapter, more easy to read and get into, so these few things are me knit-picking really! But a few things to consider:

I'm not keen on some of the names -  Elyssia Goodenough? Is Joshua Jake and Joshua Williams the same person?

Moslem? I would probably change this to Muslim, I have never come across the Moslem spelling before and just read a bit about it by googling it, apparently some people find Moslem spelling offensive, although some just say its the old fashioned spelling - either way Muslim is probably better?

I'll give you the following feedback which I hope you'll find useful!
from which he only emerged later on Sunday morning.
'later' and a day and a half's time difference doesn't strike true to me...  Perhaps 'later that weekend, on Sunday morning'?
He wanted to hear more about the circumstances surrounding the
break-in at the dig and about the items that had been stolen and, if
To me, this would read more smoothly if the 'and about' was either ', about' or just 'and'
There's a missing 'he' in:
he thought might as well hear about them
Also a little confused about the 'handful of old coins' earlier in light of the medallions here - probably my ignorance, but a medallion to me signifies something larger and heftier than a coin... Maybe the explanation about medallions can come with the explanation about Constantius?
Chapter break - I think so, although it depends on how long the other chapters are I guess.  It's a good breaking point in the scene.

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Small Finds Readers' panel: Chapter One

Comments on Small Finds Chapter One.

I really liked it! I think the balance between the descriptive prose and the conversations is just right, and I like the humour in the writing too. It is an engaging first few pages too- I'd keep reading! The only thing I wondered about was the first conversation between Marco and Rose- the bit of banter about taking the car vs walking seemed a bit unlikely to be followed by the sense of urgency from Rose in telling him about the body.

I'm really enjoying reading it, so I guess that's feedback number one.  Lots of nice little touches in there too, like 'expression somewhere between exasperation and exasperation'... Also like the cliff-hangers at the end of each section... Picky as I am, there are a couple of things!  Again, these are just my opinion and so don't feel you have to take any of them on board! 
Firstly, I've only ever known 'dapper' applied to men, and a quick look on thesaurus.com shows this: dapper adjective (only ever used with reference to men, not women) so, perhaps another adjective here would work better (unless again, there's some other context I'm unaware of!) I also thought there might be a comma too many here - I've bracketed the bit that I think you could lose to perhaps make it read more smoothly:
She was walking from the town library, where she worked, to the Post Office in the
centre of the town [, because she needed] to post a package, when a man stepped out in
front of her and she almost ...

I have only skim read the first 4 pages but I find the dialogue on the first 2 pages means its quite difficult to get into it straight away, it's a bit he said, she said.  I find the writing style of the 2nd 2 pages much easier to get into and more interesting - but it might just be me! Maybe you could flip these two sections so that the one about the detectives is second - or will that ruin the rest of the flow?

  I like the descriptive writing, but one thing - it is set in the UK isn't it? I think you should use car park rather than parking lot!!

I really like it. I'm keen to read more to find out what happens so that's grand! 

- the female detective constable, just wanted to check it was deliberate to call here 'rose bush '? Am sure itis,  but just in case not!  

- then very minor thoughts, 

Wondered whether 'the ' before capital H High Street was needed, or if it looked easier to drop the 'the ' or the capitals? And when you introduce Alan the first time, I wondered if you didn't need his surname,  as this surname is then given un the next para,  a bit like when you introduce rose,  by first name, and then use the surname the next time.

Ends

Time travel?

No, not time travel as such, but an engagement with the past.

Try this,

Small Finds

Murder and archaeology connect a local community with the crisis and upheaval of the end of Roman Britain.

Ends

The Readers of the Lost Ark

Readers' Panel Report. 1.

Small Finds

A murder mystery with time travel. 
An archaeological dig, a modern community and an untold story.

A short something to read: a 500 word extract from the novel prepared for the Writing Festival in York.

A collation of all the comments.

Firstly, the pacing is nice and high-octane, and you set the scene very well.  Easy to picture.
Also like the suspense - makes me want to read on to find out what's going to happen!
There are a couple of bits that to me could be clearer.  Firstly, this bit:
“Four hundred yards ... right ... then water,” she said.
“Interesting,” said Harrison Jones.
They swung right and the vehicle ahead turned left.
I'm not sure how 'she' knows to turn right when Harrison doesn't, and the car ahead turning left seems to suggest they are going the wrong way?
The other bit is that there are three points which I think are the inner monologue of the girl:
Great!
She was going to die. Mum would murder her.
What the hell did he think she was doing?
The last of these in particular I had to read a couple of times to work out that this was the case.  Perhaps italicising these bits so that they stand out separately will make it clearer that it's not part of the general narrative?
From a 'flowing' perspective I think it's all great, with the exception of this passage:
They skimmed between buildings - sheds of some kind – with water close by. They
burst onto a road. Tyres squealed on tarmac. The other car swerved and disappeared
between high hedges. Harrison Jones followed and they were met with a blaze of
white and flashing blue light.
Using 'Harrison Jones followed' (i.e. the full name) seems a little awkward in this paragraph.  Perhaps 'Jones followed and...', although this depends on how you've referred to him throughout the book I guess.
And that brings me on to the biggy...
Feel free to disregard this (in fact, feel free to disregard all of it, as it's just my tuppence worth!), but I'm not sure about the Harrison Jones name as the main character.  I can see what you're doing, and it does immediately put me in the picture as to what the rest of the book is going to be like (if my suspicions are correct, of course).  However, it might be seen as being a bit 'obvious'.  My concern is that it perhaps positions the book as a piece of fan fiction, with the names changed to avoid copyright issues, whereas you probably want the book to stand on its own merits.

I think it’s great – very gripping, fast paced and engaging. I think the way it’s written: short lines, snaps of dialogue etc, contributes really well to that.

 My only other comment as far as substance goes is about the line just on the top of page 2 – after ““Swim!” he said” – where the narrative then says “Great!” as one line.  I don’t know if my comment will make any sense…. and I contradict myself in a minute, but…

I just wondered that since other sensory narratives are given an owner in the third person, – “she heard an outboard motor” etc – this emotion is left hanging without an owner?  This probably isn’t an issue, but this was the only thought I had!  I wondered if you could add “she thought” after it, or to run this sentence straight into the next sentence, “She splashed..”, so that the emotion is joined up to her actions, and gives it ownership that way?

But, just to contradict my own comment in the same breath, I think the “Answered prayer.” Sentence works without any more ownership because it follows the line “She wished it would stop..” so fits with that to me! 

genuinely liked the full use of protagonists name for use of excerpt. Creates intrigue around the character. I thought it worked well for the purposes of an excerpt. You need to be able to demonstrate as many features of the book as possible in a short space and that does give an insight to the character which may be lost if you remove it.

End of comments relating to A short something to read